Better This Time

Day 12

Binged again yesterday- that makes 2 days in a row where I’ve binged and not exercised.
I don’t want to try and get better, it’s making it worse. So starting today, I’m going back to eating a little and exercising a lot.
:)
xxxx

Last night…

I binged until my stomach was sore and I was throwing up, and then some.
Not because I lost control, I guess you could call it a ‘punishment’ for letting ana take over. I lost control over her; I’ve already reached my first goal weight- my hip bones are starting to rub against my mattress at night and I keep needing to take boiling hot baths to keep myself warm. I’m too tired for school and have no motivation, and keep depressing you guys with my rants of self-pity :P
I looked back over the past 11 days and saw how little I ate and thought “This isn’t control, look at how upset you’ve been!”.
So I ate because I knew it would hurt (mentally, but in the end also physically. Oops.)
I’m a thin person, I just need to exercise more and restrict my intake of unhealthy foods.
So my new diet is:

Breakfast:

• 2 egg whites (30 calories) 

Lunch

• 1 piece of fruit (40-80 calories)

Dinner

• 200g of veges
• Apple, if I want desert (80 calories)

Protein in the morning, fibre in the afternoon and vitamins at night. :)
I’m hoping to get around 500 calories, and keep to my usual schedule of exercise.

I can’t stop crying. I just want that little girl back.

I miss who I use to be, I miss being able to enjoy myself and get good grades at school, eat nice food, be happy around my friends.
I’ve lost all motivation; the only thing I seem to be able to do well is exercise and not eat. I had to make myself eat an apple again today, I didn’t want it… I’m not sure if I needed it. I can’t really tell when and what I’m supposed to eat anymore, it’s so confusing and frightening.
I just want to be how was I was before this all started. Looking back, I’ve wasted so many years waiting for that someone to come and save me, to reach out and love me in the way I want them to. But they won’t, I’ve told them everything and they just sit there and watch, get on with their life. Which, obviously, is fine. I’m the dead weight wollowing in my self-pitty. I wish I could be less self-absorbed; I want to know things, to learn things and to be able to talk to people about my interests.
I’m becoming everything I told myself I never would become. I’m pretty sure that if the little girl I use to be saw me now, she’d turn away in disgust and not look back.
Eighteen years wasted in just a few moments, it angers me so much that something like this could happen, not only to me but to others as well.

And I know, “Why don’t you just get off your ass and do something about it? Stop moping! Get some life into you!”. It just doesn’t work like that, I’ve tried so hard, I promise you I have. And I have family and friends that love me, I’m not directly victimised or bullied anymore which makes me feel guilty for acting this way.
The harder I try to fix this, whatever it is, it only seems to make it worse.
I want to look back and be proud of who I was.
Please, someone, give me a good kick up the ass, shove some food down my throat and love me.

xxxx

Score!

Scratch that last post, I’ve lost 1kg and I’m finally at my first goal weight! I’m going to wait until tomorrow before I set up a new one, just incase :)
xxxx